A single moment

I am forever amazed how a single event can have a dramatic effect on a person's life. Positive, negative, major, or minor - our paths are determined by a series of moments. 

Here's one of my moments. 

Furry little hero

One evening last June I went to bed like any other night. It was a beautiful summer night so my windows were cracked. At about 3 a.m. I woke up to my dog - a 25 pound cocker spaniel - barking with all the ferocity and impetus of a doberman. Disoriented, I followed his eye line and found that a man had climbed onto the parked car outside my window, opened my screen, pushed my window open further, and was reaching into my bedroom. Startled and scared I yelled some incoherent, curse word-laden question at him. He grabbed my iPad, which I had carelessly left in plain sight and within reach of the open window, and started to run away. I continued to yell some very creative combinations of swear words at him, to which he turned around an responded, "what? I can't just have this?" He then turned back around and ran across our parking lot and into the night. I grabbed my phone and after several failed attempts was able to dial 911. I then ordered a remote wipe of my iPad and waited for the police. Not five minutes later, an officer was at my door. I answered her questions and provided a description as best I could, while I sat shaking on my living room floor, wrapped around my equally shaking dog. Once she left I looked around my now violated apartment and knew only one thing - I didn't feel safe.

In the following months my feelings of fear and insecurity continued. I was afraid of the dark. Closed spaces. Strangers. Open windows. Uncovered windows. iPads. Dogs barking. I couldn't do anything that deprived me of one of my senses. No earbuds. No shower curtains. No darkness. No loud music. No scary movies. I couldn't sit with my back to a door or a window.

Having been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) in 2006, I knew that what I was feeling and dealing with felt like amplified anxiety. None of the exercises I had learned to manage my anxiety were proving effective so I sought professional help. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Using a combination of therapeutic exercises, I have spent the past eight months working through my fears and my anxieties and I will continue to work through them. It took three months for me to sleep through the night in my apartment and longer still for me to be able to walk outside after dark. 

I still have fears that I didn't have eight months ago. My nerves sing whenever my dog barks. I have four night lights burning. I still cannot touch the windowsill that man touched. My hands are shaking as I type this post.

I know the event sounds insignificant and, in the grand scheme of things, it is. However, that one man and that one action had a profound impact on my life. I cannot express what it feels like to be simultaneously afraid of your home and afraid to leave your home. I can't say I'm better for this and I certainly wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, but I do know I am a changed person and that this moment will inform my actions for years to come. 

I'll be honest, this post is less about sharing with you and more about knowing that I am capable of sharing. I've had this post in my mind for months now and am finally at a point I can actually write it. I think it's important for people to know that anxiety is a very real and very debilitating condition. I also think it's important people know it's OK to talk about anxiety. If you or someone you know is dealing with anxiety, remember you don't have to do it alone. 


Here are a couple of resources for people living with anxiety:

• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
• Indiana University Health - Behavioral Health

Remember: 

     Seek help. 

          Build a trusted network of support. 

               And don't be ashamed.